Scarlett Pannebaker

Wow, buddy. You are three years old today. I sort of feel like you've been three for months now, because you just seem so BIG and mature to me. You have no trace of babyhood left on your body---you are so much longer, leaner, and older in your pictures now compared to last year. And yet, sometimes it hits me how small you are compared to the huge world around us. The second you get an 'owie', while you are sleeping peacefully, when you are running through the house with your daddy---in each of these moments you still seem like a little baby to me. After all, you are only three and not thirteen: but sometimes it's hard to tell.

You are kind of confused about whether you are 'big' or 'little', too. Some days you declare, 'I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy!' and other days you say, 'Hold me, mommy. I'm a baby.' Ah, the paradox of being in between a baby/toddler and a true preschooler. I'm trying to roll with your mood swings (ahem, we joke that you are bipolar at times) and praise you for being a big boy while giving you extra cuddles when you are feeling overwhelmed. You do realize that I've never done this 'mothering a three year old' thing before, right? It's all new to me, too, and most days I absolutely adore your emerging personality. You are just the most precious kid I know with the kindest heart, most infectious laugh, and sweetest smile. You are sure testing your sense of self/boundaries/independence, too, as most two-going-on-three-year olds do. But (most days) I can see through all of that 'threenager' drama and see my little boy, trying to figure out how the world works.

How do I capture the essence of three-year-old Truman in a blog post? I'm not sure I can accurately describe the little quirks that make you the buddy we all know and love, but I have to try (in the name of documenting the CRAP out of your childhood, for which I hope you appreciate someday).



You are still obsessed with trains as evident by the fact that they have officially found their way into every room of our house, it seems. The fascination seems to come from the magnets that 'connect' each train, the pushing and the pulling, cause and effect, and of course the crashes;) I hear you role playing with your trains now, creating elaborate story lines between the characters that never cease to amuse me. 'Come on Charlie!....Not like that....Oh, sorry!....Oh, no you don't!....Yeah, I will!...I know it's hard, but you are too heavy...No, stop. It's not funny.' It's hilarious and I love listening to your mind create scenarios. I also love when you play by yourself, plain and simple. I'm grateful that you do have that skill nailed down for 15-20 minutes at a time or so, because without your independent play mommy would be even more worn out than I already am. ;)

You rock at putting together puzzles all by yourself, even some of the harder 20 piece ones that used to be a challenge for you. Your daddy taught you how to look for missing colors on each piece and because you love colors it really seemed to click. Whenever you eat pretzels you like to break them apart into 'puzzle pieces' and show me how to reconnect them together. The broken pieces also become letters and shapes to you, as your imagination runs wild with ideas. You can now use a computer mouse to play Thomas games online occasionally. I was shocked to see you click on the correct cards for a memory matching game, but your favorite game is  'Lift, Load, and Haul'. I don't feel too guilty about letting you play these games online because they are somewhat educational. The narrator will ask you to 'show me the purple cart of chickens' or 'which track goes under the road?' and you nail it almost every time.

Favorite TV shows of yours include: Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam, Dinosaur Train, Super Why!, Thomas, and Daniel Tiger. You told me the other day that, 'I hope Barney isn't on this show, I really don't like Barney.' Ha! Me either, buddy, and I'm not even sure you've ever seen an episode of the purple dude! Also very happy that Calliou and Elmo and Blues Clues are old news. Sometimes you happily turn off the television when I say screen time is over, and other times this statement causes the most epic of meltdowns. Life.Is.Hard when your mom won't let you zone out in front of the TV for hours on end. But we do let you watch an episode of your choice show about 3 times each day, depending on how busy we are.

You can count to twenty and only forget numbers sixteen and eighteen some of the time;) While doing a number puzzle at the library I realized you can also correctly identify numbers 0-10 and maybe more (but the puzzle only went up that high). You tell me what each letter is when putting together our alphabet puzzles, although I think your default is always 'E'. If you aren't sure what letter you are holding you always tell me 'E,' but I'd say you probably know about 75% of them pretty consistently. Naming colors has always been your thing, which I attribute to good old Thomas and Friends and their engines of the rainbow. I think you know most of the basic shapes out there, too.



One interesting thing that I will call a 'phase' (because I'm really hoping it passes) is that you only like to wear 'soft pants and a soft shirt.' Meaning NO JEANS OR I WILL FLIP OUT! And even sweaters are borderline tolerated. This is one of those things where I oblige your wishes because it's just not that big of a deal to me if you want to wear sweat pants and a sweat shirt at all times. Probably because I love to be comfortable, too (as I type this in my yoga pants and hoodie). I pick my battles and can usually convince you to wear khaki pants on 'special occasions' as needed, but otherwise I respect your opinion on the need for comfort in your wardrobe.

Oh, and speaking of getting dressed---you can finally pull up your own underwear and pants after using the facilities. You've been pulling them down for months now but you would just get frustrated when trying to get the old underoos over your booty. Now you can go potty without any help from us even though you have been potty trained since August. Such a big step! You can take off all of your clothes including your coat and your boots, except you cannot take off your shirts just yet. Putting your clothes on is a different story. I should probably let you take your merry little time with it and maybe you would surprise me by getting everything on independently---but I usually help you more than I should. But your Spiderman snow boots are YOUR thing to get on before we leave the house, and you can usually handle your coat, too.

All of a sudden you LOVE to take a nightly bath. This is a big deal because up until a few weeks ago, I could only wrangle you into the tub twice a week but your sister always gets one nightly. I think you love routine as much as I do, buddy. And you truly love to play with your sister so maybe that explains the need for a good scrub down each night. Plus there is the whole 'fun' of getting yourself  undressed, splashing mom 'accidentally' during wild train crashes at sea, and dumping water over your own head repeatedly. Your sister and I both love to watch you act a fool at bath time.





You are doing a better job with eating real food other than snacks, although I still think you have a big texture issue with a lot of foods that aren't totally crunchy or perfectly smooth. I busted out your old booster seat one night because I couldn't handle you getting up and down (and sprinting around) during dinner. I figured you would hate it and throw a fit but you actually kind of like it, and you request to strap you in most nights. You really hate vegetables but fruit is usually acceptable. This is definitely one area we need to work on, buddy, but I suppose you are growing and are healthy so I try not to stress about our food battles too much.

Sleeping for you is pretty consistent (I cannot say the same for your sibling). You go to sleep at 9pm most nights, despite our dreams of having you down much, much earlier. But bedtime itself is not as painful if we don't force you to go down before you are really tired. Your Tot Clock is set to switch to yellow at 6 am and most days you make it that long....but sometimes you call out for us by 5:45 (the other day it was 5 am but I'm not even going there because it was a FLUKE, okay?) And hey, some days you even sleep in until 7! Napping is a weird thing: if we let you nap without physically waking you up, you will sleep for 3 or 4 hours. No joke. But the problem with the epic nap is that bedtime then becomes 10-11pm---which is later than I'm even awake. And you are still usually up by 6 am at the latest, so no. Sorry. Not okay. We prefer to wake you up after about 2 hours of napping, sometimes longer, and deal with crankiness for a little bit after a nap instead of crankiness at 11 pm. ;) We've tried skipping the nap all together but it's never worth the reward of a super early bedtime. Too.Many.Tired.Tantrums.

Your bedtime routine is one of my favorites. Your daddy takes you up, brushes your teeth, and reads you books. Then it's my turn to tell you stories about Truman the Conductor. And lately, you request that these made up stories have a giant CRASH of at least five different engines involved. You are always very interested to know what types of ailments these crashed engines have---like a busted buffer, a lost wheel, scratched paint, etc. I feel like my stories are really lame and repetitive but you cannot get enough of them, even if all four of them are the same each night.

One of your most prized possessions? Monkey, your lovey. He is becoming quite the character as you tell me that 'Monkey needs a haircut....Monkey is really sick, let's give him some medicine....Monkey is taking a nap, so please be quiet.' Monkey goes with you everywhere right now and I'm not too anxious to get rid of him just yet. It's really cute how attached you seem to be to Monkey, except for the one day we forgot him at home when at daycare. Lori somehow saved the day by finding an old giraffe lovey of yours from when you were a baby, but nothing could really replace your beloved Monk. ;)

Some of your most hilarious word mix ups that make me laugh: instead of saying 'yogurt' you pronounce it 'yorget.' Also, 'ogre' is pronounced 'yorget'---so basically yogurt = yorget = ogre. Also you call a 'spiral' a 'spider', the 'bumbo seat' a 'bumper seat', and a 'scone' is a 'ghost'. Loved hearing you tell your daddy that you wanted to help him bake ghosts the other day;) But my all time favorite word mix up? Instead of asking, 'What did you say?' if you want us to repeat something? You say, in classic ebonics, 'What you said?' Your daddy and I love it so much. I hope that phrase doesn't fix itself anytime soon.

You are a tall dude just like your parents, at 39.5 inches (90%) and you weigh 35 pounds (80%). You are wearing 4T shirts and usually 3T pants and those size 9 shoes still seem to fit fairly well.  In the past year you have grown 4 inches and gained 5 pounds, buddy!

I'm trying to paint a pretty, positive, happy picture of you here, Truman. But I suppose I should mention that you DO love to push my buttons, test the boundaries, and try my patience about a hundred times more than you did last year at this time. Sometimes you are incredibly demanding, bossy, and you don't listen to me when I warn you that you're headed for a time out. Of course, some days you are a perfect angel and other days it seems like your mission in life is to test me. Those are not fun days for any of us, buddy. Time outs seem to work effectively right now and sometimes you get so upset with me telling you 'no' to something you need, you will have a 'tantrum'. But luckily you only lose your mind when we are in the confines of our home (aside from that one time you flipped a switch at the playground--which was months ago but still quite scarring for me, obviously). And truly, you don't have 'try mom's patience' days too often, and you are usually pretty laid back. You are just a good kid and extremely well-behaved, especially in social situations. I really hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the butt now that I've typed it. ;)

One last thing: I never want to forget how much you adore your baby sister, Truman. I hope that the two of you will always have such an awesome relationship. From day one you have been enthralled with her, falling into the protective big brother role with ease. You still introduce her to the strangers at Target who stop to comment on such adorable kids. You demand that daddy 'say Hi to Cece' as soon as he enters the door each evening. You ask me, 'How did Cece sleep last night?' when I come to get you out of your room. Lately she has been teething like a mo fo and you will often say, 'Maybe she is teething, poor baby.' You do NOT like when CC cries and you ask me to nurse her/hold her/help her anytime she fusses for a second. It's adorable, Truman, and you better believe she looks up to you as much as you care for her. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes you get a little frustrated at her new-found mobility and her desire to grab your toys from their proper place on the floor. But usually you are so gentle when you say, 'No, Cece. That's not your toy. You are a baby. Here is a baby toy for you.' We are working on giving Cecelia a different toy instead of simply ripping your toy out of her hands. Sharing is tough. I get it. But you better learn now because the two of you are going to be sharing quite a bit throughout your little lives;)





Instead of posting a billion pictures of you from the last year in the body of this post, I figured I'd just share the slideshow I made for you this year. I'm going to play it in the background of your birthday party (next weekend!) and I have to admit that watching this makes me weepy. Something about life being set to music that always gets me, especially when it comes to my handsome first born. You made me a mom, Truman, and for the past three years I've been so blessed to have you as my boy. You make your daddy and I happier than you'll ever know. And as I've been trying to explain to you lately, nothing you could do will ever change our love for you. I never knew unconditional love until I had you. Thank you for being you, buddy! You are the best little boy I could have ever imagined.

Love, Mommy.

Your slideshow is 7 minutes long, but worth it! I cannot stop watching it and your hip/young uncles would be very proud of my music choices.
three years from Julia H. on Vimeo.


One of the THREE interviews you did this year. You are such a ham and cannot get enough videos of yourself. I think this one is my favorite, capturing your personality the best.
Three year interview, part 1 from Julia H. on Vimeo.

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Part one
Part two

Post-partum
So after they weighed Wallace, they brought him back to me and he nursed for about 45 minutes, like a champ. Nate was texting our parents first, and my mom was about 15 minutes away from boarding her plane in Denver. Perfect timing! We texted a few more friends and then I wanted Nate to hold Wallace before the kids came. He got to snuggle his newest boy and Ace's face was classic---totally focused on Nate and very calm, a true daddy's boy! I ordered some food around 4:30 although I didn't feel that hungry and had no desire to get out of bed before our visitors arrived. I told the nurse to just make sure I had a gown to wear but I mostly wanted to rest. For me, natural childbirth did not mean I hopped out of bed immediately and felt like a million bucks. In fact, I was more wiped out and sore this time compared to Porter's birth for sure. And I mean, look at how TIRED I look now compared to last time!


At 5:00 the three big kids (!) arrived with Tony and Lois. On the drive over Truman was telling his grandparents that 'Wallace is only an hour old, I am so happy he's here!' And then watching the kids meet their baby brother? One of the sweetest moments in life, seriously. I got a video and several pictures to savor this first meeting.



Truman was just over the moon to meet Wallace, his excitement is the most genuine, adorable emotion I could describe. Cecelia was quite honest when she said, 'You look kind of ugly, mommy. I thought Wallace would be cuter. And are you still pregnant,' as she poked my two-hour post-partum belly? And then Porter! He kept forgetting the baby was out and would ask, 'Where is that baby? Baby Wallace! Hi, baby!' and he did want to hold him right away, too. He asked me why I was wearing 'that' (my hospital gown) but otherwise was pretty unfazed by the entire hospital room.













At some point, Tony left to get my mom from the airport. Nate took Cecelia and Porter to get Jimmy Johns, while Lois stayed with Truman, me and Wallace. At 7pm my nurse came in to say I needed to get up and go to the bathroom, and it was every bit the murder scene as it has been in the past. Except maybe a little worse, similar to the first time around with Truman for the amount of bleeding. In fact, Kelly the nurse was pretty worried about my bleeding and thought I might need a shot to get it to stop. The OB came back in to check me in bed, pushed super hard on my stomach, and did some sort of horrible internal exam to be sure my stitch didn't come loose. She apologized and luckily I didn't need the shot, or to have her manually go in there to get retained placenta or something.

Also: some major issues in the back side region, related to pushing my hardest for two hours. Sad trombone. The opposite of fun. This has gotten better in the last week but it's been a challenge during my recovery, for sure. It was really hard in the first four days to stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time, sitting is just as bad, and laying down is best but obviously not feasible for very long stretches.

Nate and the kids came back with Jimmy Johns, then Tony arrived with my mom around 7:15. It was so great to have the grandparents (minus my dad, he is coming in a few weeks) at the hospital to meet mister Ace! The big kids were literally bouncing off the walls when GoGo showed up. She barely got to hold Wallace because they were so pumped to have her visit.



Then someone noticed my eyes. I didn't know what they were talking about but looked into my phone camera and saw that I had some serious broken blood vessels going on. The nurse noticed during her next check and said she felt bad but wasn't surprised, given how hard I was pushing and for so long. She said broken blood vessels in the eyes sometimes happen and I could try using a cold washcloth tonight, but there wasn't much else I could do. I asked if they would get any worse and she said, 'Probably not.' But boy, did they get worse!! Official name: conjunctival hemorrhage. Officially 'severe' according to my eye doctor. Will resolve with time. Hoping it clears soon, waiting on a family photoshoot until then!

Saturday evening:


Sunday morning:


Monday morning:


I'm typing this on day eight and they are still really bad, actually. I went to our eye doctor friend the day we were discharged from the hospital, because every doc and nurse that saw me throughout our stay was pretty worried about my eyes. The pediatrician kept saying, 'Man, those are DECENT....this happens, but that is the worst I've seen.' I earned that badge of honor title from several nurses and doctors, actually. They don't hurt really, but my vision was a little blurry at first and they just burned. I did notice right after birth I was having a hard time focusing but figured it was just because I had thrown off my glasses mid-labor and was high on adrenaline. Turns out I literally pushed my face off audit's fun to scare children when I remove my sunglasses. The kids called me 'mean monster mommy,' but now they are pretty much used to my vampire look. I forget that they look so wretched until I take off my sunglasses in public and people will just make eye contact with me for several seconds longer than necessary. I'm sure it's perplexing if you don't know the story!

Other notables from Wallace's birthday: the kids and Tony and Lois went home around 8pm, but my mom and Nate stayed to hang out and watch Wallace's first bath. The hospital now delays the bath until after 6 hours, so the tech came around 9:45 and really got our boy squeaky clean. He LOVED the faucet over his head, didn't love being naked as much, and then the tech asked if I brought any 'real' clothes for him to wear. This is when they take the baby's picture for the website and picture on our door, and so it's especially hilarious to see Wallace in a dapper bowtie and cardigan when most of the other babies just have on a white onesie and a hat. He's a very classy guy, that Ace.









My mom and Nate left the hospital around 10:30--I would much rather have Nate at home with the big kids, getting decent rest and helping at home instead of him staying with me at the hospital. I had Wallace go to the nursery around 11, they brought him in at 1:20 to nurse, I sent him back around 2:30, and then he returned around 5am. The nurses said he was great for them! Except that he peed and pooped all over his dapper outfit, silly guy.

I guess I don't need to recap everything from the next two days at the hospital. But my breakfast the next morning, the shower that followed, and then having Nate come around 9am with coffee and treats from home were the BEST parts. Well, that and waking up not pregnant with a new baby bundle to snuggle. The kids and grandparents visited for a bit in the morning, then Nate, Truman, Cecelia and I got some quality time together during lunchtime. Nate and CC brought food after their top secret trip out together---food, smoothies, sun chips, and a new Apple watch for me as my push present. The big kids gave it to me and said, 'Good job getting Ace out, mommy.' Nate said I deserved it;) Related: after we were at home for a few days, Nate sent Cecelia downstairs to give me a message. She said, 'You're a superhero, mommy. You are so strong. Daddy said it was really hard to get Ace out but you did it.' Talk about a heart warming moment right there.







When Nate and the bigs left for home, I napped with Wallace for about an hour which was glorious. The pediatrician and OB on call came by (freaked about my eyes), and then around 6pm our whole crew came back for pizza. Dizzy and Kerry also came to visit later that night, and then my night nurse was one that I had for both Truman and Cecelia's hospital stays. I love our small-town hospital so much. Wallace went to the nursery again, coming in to feed about every 3 hours (so twice). I felt my milk coming in this night and saw Wallace spitting up the yellow colostrum more often, too.







On Monday, day 3, it was discharge day! Nate came around 7:45 with coffee again and we had hospital breakfast food together. The lactation consultant came in, which made me happy---I wanted her to check Ace's latch, since Porter ended up having such issues nursing around 8 weeks. She said he was doing great and gave me a few tips for the future if we notice anything changing. She's big into massaging and compressing the breast during feedings to help it empty, which is great for me to avoid clogged ducts and mastitis. My new day nurse Joani was another one I had with past births, she was excellent. Ace got his state blood screen done, then his circumcision by my actual OB, who then came in to chat with us for a good while. She was worried about my eyes and wanted details about how it all went down, saying she was proud of me for doing it and called me a great mom. Cue the tears. We had to get a picture together even though this one is OBVIOUSLY not my best comparison shot. What the heck was my problem after Porter---why do I look so rested and glowing? Ugh.



Wallace's bilirubin was originally great, then 'intermediate high' on a scan, then better, then the nurse wanted to scan again because of the bruising on his head, and found it right on the border again. So they ended up doing a vile of blood from his heel to check the numbers, and we waited around for that a lot of the morning. It turned out to be 10.3 which is 'fine' but warrants a recheck the following day along with a weight check at the pediatrician office. Ace was down to 8lbs 6oz from his birth weight which was only losing 4.5%, and apparently very good---so I really wasn't too worried about him, especially since he was nursing so well. He did nap this morning from 9-1pm in the hospital while we were waiting to be discharged, but what a rough morning it was for him with all of the tests and procedures!

Going home outfit!


We were finally discharged home around 1:35 and wheeling out of the hospital for the very last time was incredibly bittersweet. I just love the days spent in a bubble, no concept of time or weather or anything in the outside world except for the addition of this newest baby to our family. I always love the drive home from the hospital with Nate, when we have a teeny tiny baby in the backseat ready to start his life with us. It's just crazy, and it never gets old.



Hospital time = the best!




All four kids: verdict is in, and they basically all look alike;)


But coming home is equally amazing! The kids were so happy to have us home, and eager to show Ace our house. Let the fights over who gets to hold the baby first commence.








So glad mom was here, the visit was perfect timing. Can't wait for her and dad to return next week!


Postpartum recovery (icky stuff that must be mentioned)

So this time around I gained 34 pounds during pregnancy, exactly the same as with Cecelia (less than Truman, more than Porter). I weighed myself the other day and was down fifteen pounds after the hospital stay. I also felt like my feet were pretty swollen until two days ago, which happened at the end of the pregnancy. I didn't have to stop wearing my wedding rings but my feet did swell. So who knows, I still have a ways to go with the weight but I'm going to take it easy so I can keep my milk supply up. I've been fairly active since having Ace but only because it's summer and we have three kids that are constantly on the move. With Nate going back to work tomorrow (nooooo!) I will have to figure out a routine of how much physical activity I can tolerate. I plan to attempt a nap most days of the week if at all possible, although Porter appears to be dropping his. (nooooooo, too soon!).

My milk came in the morning we were discharged home from the hospital, so two days postpartum. Then the engorgement was pretty awful on day three and four, but somehow I avoided pumping for relief and let Ace take the lead with frequent nursing. I forgot how awful it feels to be so FULL and uncomfortable and leaking everywhere. It seems like things are settling down a little bit now, thankfully. He takes both sides about half of the time and one side half of the time, which tends to make me pretty full but it should regulate soon. Oh, also! It stands to mention that the uterine contractions when nursing a fourth baby are even worse than the third time around. So it really does get more intense with each child. I noticed these contractions right away and they continued through day four, some of which were so strong they sort of took my breath away. I mean, that's great that my uterus was shrinking back down to a normal size but still---I assumed the intensity would tap out after a certain number of times. I guess not!

Like I said above, the worst part about physical recovery this time has been the 'backside issues.' This is SO not glamorous to talk about you guys. But it's been the real deal. Not being able to walk very long, stand very long, or sit very long has been TOUGH. I think I've turned the corner now that I'm taking stool softeners every day and pounding the water more than ever, but it's still not quite right down there. My bleeding from the appropriate location is much, much better now though! I definitely had to use the full bathroom get up for much longer this time compared to the last---the spray, the peri bottle, the cream, the tucks pads.....love how it took about 10 minutes to pee and get put back together. It reminds me of my first rodeo with Truman, I don't remember having to do all of this the second and third times.

My super ugly varicose veins in my legs and groin seem to be diminishing but aren't yet gone. No stretch marks again this time, which can only be attributed to good genetics since my mom never got them either. My linea negra is now more noticeable than when I was pregnant and my belly button is still sort of out, sort of in. For the first few days after having Ace, I could barely get my stomach muscles to twitch when sitting up but now they seem to be waking up a little. Yay.

I forgot the emotional mood swings that come postpartum, going from the highest of highs and wanting to cry out of sheer happiness....to the lows of feeling anxious and like something is wrong with my baby. It seems like as the sun goes down each evening, I feel nervous about SOMETHING...whether that's having enough milk for Ace, feeling like a failure of a mom, or being so exhausted that I assume things are just going to get worse and worse. Luckily it hasn't been anything too bad and by the morning I feel ready to tackle the day and overall very content.

So the belly?

Two days postpartum: going down a lot, but the kids still said I looked pregnant.


Three days postpartum:


A nice comparison!


Six days postpartum




Again, still a ways to go, but isn't it mind blowing that our bodies change SO MUCH during pregnancy and postpartum? Wallace was inside of my belly a little over a week ago. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

Now I should do a first week recap but dang, blogging takes time, huh? ;) Oh, and Porter turned three the day after we came home from the hospital. Should really blog about that wild card of a boy soon!